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Dear Mrs. Doughty,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr.
Jeff Doughty, has been
causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of
behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in
any of our stores.
We have documented all these incidents with our video surveillance
equipment. Three of our clerks are now attending counseling for the
emotional stress caused from the trouble your husband has created. All
of our complaints against Mr. Doughty have been compiled and are listed
Mr. Wally Raisebrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
MEMO: Re: Mr. Jeff
Mr. Doughty has done while his wife is
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms
and randomly put them in people's carts when they were not looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks
in House wares to individually go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of pineapple
juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee
and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares... and watched
to see what would happen.
5. August 4: Went to the Service
Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION -
WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in
the camping department and told other shoppers he would invite them in
if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks
if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the
security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns
in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where his
11. December 3: Darted around the
store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto
department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing
rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an
announcement came over the loud speaker, he fell to the floor in the
fetal position and while loudly sucking his thumb, screamed "NO! NO!
It's those voices again!!!!"
15. December 23: Went into a fitting
room, shut the door and waited several minutes. Then, yelled, very
loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"