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"Sometimes when I reflect back on all
the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened
to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't
drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day."
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of
drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a
case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourk e
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and
wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
"Without question, the greatest
invention in the
history of mankind is beer . Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearl y as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a
Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
The consumption of alcohol
may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite
sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as
explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to
his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A
herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the
herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
This natural selection is good for the
herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the
same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally,
it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a
faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter
after a few beers."
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you