Dear Mrs. Doughty,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Jeff Doughty, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all these incidents with our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are now attending counseling for the emotional stress caused from the trouble your husband has created. All of our complaints against Mr. Doughty have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Raisebrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
Carthage, MO

MEMO: Re: Mr. Jeff Doughty Complaints -

15 Things
Mr. Doughty has done while his wife is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they were not looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to individually go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares... and watched to see what would happen.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where his antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he fell to the floor in the fetal position and while loudly sucking his thumb, screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited several minutes. Then, yelled, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"

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